Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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