Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
