So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
