Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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