They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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