is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
