so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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