I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
