Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
