At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
