I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
