In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
