the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize