I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
