What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
