Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Randomize
