had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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