im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
