Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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