If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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