If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Randomize
