Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
