my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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