just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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