I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
