fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
