did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
