Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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