My pussy is not your playground.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
