you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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