just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
