The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
