I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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