Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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