You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize