Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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