I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Randomize
