just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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