She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
