I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
