We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
