My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
