Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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