why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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