fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize