I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize