So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
