Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
