Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize