She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
