Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
