Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We have so much sex to catch up on
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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