whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
