Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
