I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
cat food counts as protein by the way
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
