I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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