We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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