Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
