today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
