Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
