He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
