hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
