dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
