He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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