Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
