just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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