It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
we're so committed to being not committed
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
