I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
