Where is the hickey?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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