wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
