I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
