Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
